“It’s not a diet or a lifestyle choice.”
Rebecca Hendin
Before I became anorexic I thought it was basically just an extreme diet that people who wanted to be supermodels or celebrities decided to go on, but I learnt first-hand that anorexia is not a diet or a lifestyle choice.
Anorexia was never my decision. It's not always easy to remember this, and there are times when I feel incredibly shallow and stupid and crazy. But I didn't choose anorexia and it's not my fault.
When I'm in the grips of anorexia, it feels like a goblin sitting on my shoulder whispering destructive and irrational things into my ear:
If you get fat, no one will love you and you'll die alone and be eaten by cats who will then also become obese.
If I heard someone say these things to another person I would be able to tell you it's bullying. The problem is that it's in your head and it sounds like your own voice. Anorexia feeds off your insecurities and what you think the world expects from you.
It also appeals to bits of your personality. I like to feel in control of myself, and restricting my weight gave me power at a time of uncertainty. This makes that goblin's voice appealing to listen to and difficult to challenge.
Rebecca Hendin